Common Paradox Tech Blog

Things didn’t go so well, huh, champ? We’ve talked a lot about love, but now it’s time for our resident love doctor to talk about what happens when romance goes south. Here are the steps to breaking up… online.

Breaking up is hard to do, so the song goes, but it can be particularly painful in the digital world. If you find yourself separating from someone you’d created a digital identity with, follow these steps to keep your dignity (and assets) in tact:

1) Change Your Relationship Status If you don’t do it, they will, which makes the preemptive relationship status change the way to go. Holding on to a fake “in a relationship with” could make you look desperate to your ex or any friends who know the truth. Better to cut the cord and move on, sadness and all. If you’re not yet ready to move on and meet others (or don’t want to provoke an online war with your ex), just remove the “in a relationship with” part but don’t actually add “Single” or “Looking for Random Play.” (Yet.)

2) Yank Some Pictures Some people remove all online signs of their relationship, including Facebook photos of the two of them in happier times. If you’re both comfortable with the reminders of your time together, then no harm done (though it may make some future partners wary about why you continue to hold on to and display photos of your ex). If your ex would feel better with no photos online, then by all means respect her or his wishes. Whenever you have a choice, try to choose kindness.

3) To Unfriend or Not to Unfriend Might their feelings get hurt if you unfriend them? Yes, but such is life and love. It’s fine to unfriend someone as long as you don’t do it in a cruel way, like by sending them an evil message telling them that you’re unfriending them due to their bad breath or the way they took nearly an hour to make it through their angel hair pasta. Before unfriending, though, consider whether you might want to date or be friends again in the future. If so, unfriending could be a wrong turn. Is it really that terrible that they might read your status updates or wall posts? Wait, really?

4) Limit Their Access Let’s say you decide to stay Facebook friends but you want some boundaries. Change your privacy settings to either put them on limited profile or to modify their access for specific parts of your profile. You can limit their visibility by altering what they can or cannot see (such as placing an “Everyone but” limitation on new photos).

5) Change Your Passwords I don’t care how much you trust the person. If you shared your passwords while you were together (for some, it’s a sign of intimacy or trust), change your passwords. People sometimes do rash things in fits of jealousy, sadness, depression or revenge. As a sex and relationships columnist, I’ve heard all sorts of stories involving people breaking into each other’s email accounts, bank accounts, Facebooks and more. There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself and your assets.

6) Save Things You Want Before your ex takes photos you want off of their Facebook (or god forbid their MySpace, if they still have one), copy any photos you want to your computer just in case it gets awkward to ask for them later. Even if you don’t think you’ll want them later on, you might – even if only for the memories. If seeing the photos makes you sad, transfer them to a folder on your hard drive. Still looking at them too often? Save them to an external hard drive. Still peeking? Have a friend babysit your external hard drive until you’re able to move on.

7) Consider Blocking Them Hopefully you’ll never need to block someone, but there are always those few key creepy people. Maybe it makes you feel gross to imagine that they have any sort of access to your life or that you ever kissed them or allowed them to insert Part A into Part B (and not in a cool gadget sort of way). If that’s the case, why stop at unfriending? Block them and move on, as long as you’re okay with not being able to see their profile either (which is what Facebook blocking entails). On Gmail and many other email systems, you can also set up rules to have their emails diverted into a separate folder in case you want to be able to receive emails from them but don’t want their constant emails reminding you of what went wrong when you’re trying to get work done.

Sometimes breakups are necessary and wanted. Other times they are exceedingly sad. If you’re stuck in a real rut of sadness or depression, check out Peter McWilliams’ classic How to Survive the Loss of a Love.

Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

Gingerbread heartbreak shot by Jared Zimmerman/Flickr used under CC license

Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.

Sexting may seem like a relatively recent phenomenon, but in truth it’s as old as mankind itself. Here’s a walk back through the illustrious history of the SMS booty call:

Marilyn Monroe to JFK
Pierre Curie to Marie Curie
Elizabeth Bennet to Mr. Darcy
Anon. to the Marquis de Sade
Romeo to Juliet
Guinevere to Lancelot
Marc Anthony to Cleopatra
Adam to Eve

Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.

Planning on dumping your dame (or dude) anytime soon? Make every future Valentine’s Day extra special for your ex by giving them a breakup memory they’ll never forget! Here are a few high tech ways to get the message across.

newVideoPlayer( {“type”:”video”,”player”:”http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/v\/NNrxiuDse98&hl=en&fs=1&fmt=22″,”customParams”:[],”width”:500,”height”:412,”ratio”:0.824,”flashData”:”",”embedName”:null,”objectId”:null,”noEmbed”:false,”source”:”youtube”} );

Based in New York City, Shane Snow is a graduate student in Digital Media at Columbia University and founder of Scordit.com. He’s fascinated with all things geeky, particularly social media and shiny gadgets he’ll never afford.

Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.

The old videophone sci-fi concept is now portable wireless reality, and it’s not just politicians and celebrities who are doing naughty things in front of cameras. Our resident love doctor explains if and when it’s okay to bring it up.

Far too many people have had their sex lives exposed thanks to sex tapes—and not just the kind stored on digital cameras. Remember the Clay Aiken video chat sex-ish scandal? I do and it wasn’t pretty, pasty white chest and all.

Many women and men are appropriately cautious about exposing themselves online. For your sake as well as that of your partner, I’d suggest holding off on video chat sex until you trust each other—and then some. Get to know each other well enough so that you can tell whether or not they’re likely to be dishonest or if they have a strong temper. Have they tried to embarrass or shame past partners in any way? Have they tried to take revenge on former friends or exes? If so, you might want to keep your clothes on and vibrator in the drawer for the time being. Or get the Safer Sexting app for your iPhone and sext with photos for the time being.

Aside from possibly having your video chat sex on public display, there’s a more personal reason to be thoughtful about your online sex. People attach different levels of meaning to being nude or sexual with others—even if just virtually. Some people will drop their pants on or off screen for just about anyone, regardless of how close they feel. Others will only do so with people they feel close to and with whom they feel safe and connected.

Should a hot and heavy game of online Scrabble tempt you to strip away your clothes and then the next day you change your mind and stop chatting or you start dating someone else and broadcasting it on your blog, it could break that person’s heart. As such, I would suggest that you only suggest video chat sex when you have a sense that you can trust each other to be honest and private and when you can trust yourselves to be kind.

If both of those are true, then bring up video chat in the larger context of what turns each of you on. Dirty talk? Sultry texts? Lingerie? Vibrators? The Frucci Fleshlight video? By saying that video chat sex turns you on, you have the opportunity to ask the other person how they feel about it, whether they’ve ever tried it and whether they’d be open to trying it with you and under what circumstances. Oh, and whether they’d consider using the iChat roller coaster effect, which is crazy hot for sex chats.

For example, you might agree to not show faces or to promise not to take screen shots or to do some things on video (like show off your penis or vulva) but not others (like do naughty things with your iPhone). It’s all about communication, boundaries and making sure your computer settings allow you to keep your screen bright even if your hands are busy doing other things.

Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

Webcam shot from mofetos/Flickr under CC license

Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.

It’s the worst feeling: Waking up completely wrecked from the night before, only to realize with a dull sweat that you pressed ‘Send’. Fortunately for the rest of us, what you drunkenly texted is often hilarious.

And now there’s even a whole website dedicated to collecting your stupidest text messages: Texts From Last Night (dot com), which has upped the ante with a book and the now obligatory iPhone app. (You can, of course, just text them.)

Here are some of our favorites.

Just because this came from California I’m not going to judge

(707) he doesn’t care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?

Strategy: Indisputable; Tactics: Perhaps Less So

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? I’m gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife.

Modern love is hard, but Google is not

(314) I woke up next to her this morning and couldn’t remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.

Mooning Over My Hammies

Don’t feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle-aged waitress at the Denny’s in Waco. She’s used but in good condition.

No, you’re good. Just set your desk on fire.

She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

But where’s the remote?

dude I woke up laying next to some guy. I don’t have my bra or his name. he has a nice TV though.

Unfortunately all I ever watched was “The A-Team”, so I just got in my van and drove away.

I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for rope so he wouldn’t wake up. I am so glad I watched MacGyver as a kid.

Finally: Everyone here wins

(949) Babe, the 4 years we’ve been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949) are you seriously doing this over text message

(949) hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Though we’ve talked a lot about dumping via text message, the burning question put to our resident love doctor is: Can you ask someone out via text message? And can you do it with video?

As technology evolves, the number of ways to ask someone out on a date grows and grows until one day you get a Farmville Cupig and wonder if it’s love. Or something. The way I see it, as long as the object of your affection texts and texts often, I think it’s a fine way to go. Just make sure you’re creative, adorable or flirtatious about asking someone on a date. If not, then you’re just being lazy which is unattractive to most.

And please, for the love of the text gods, use full words rather than something like “u want 2 go 2 the movies w/me?” It only takes two more letters to write the whole word “you”! And “to” is only one more character than “2″! If you want someone to spend hours of their precious time with you when they could be dating someone else or stalking their ex’s Facebook profile, then please take a few seconds to come up with the most creative text ever with which to ask them out.

If you’re too nervous to call and ask them out, say so in the text—that could be flattering and endearing. A video invite would be awesome and could show off your dedication and talents; just don’t do anything that would utterly embarrass yourself as too many people would show off your video invite to their 12 closest friends.

You could also create an event on Facebook (make it a secret/closed event, visible only to her) and invite her to attend. It’s more modern than Evite and she can sync the event with her Outlook calendar. If you want to go old school, call her up. If she doesn’t answer, sing a made-up song into her voicemail, asking her out. Does she like letters and regular old postal mail? Send her a letter asking her out. Technology allows us to innovate but it can also make it too easy to be lazy so make sure to use it to your advantage.

Make sure the medium you use shows off your best side. If you show someone what you’ve got and they’re not into it, try to not take it as a rejection of you. It just may not be the right fit. An artist friend of mine tells the story of how he showed up with a beautiful painting as a gift for a first a date. Though past dates had been taken aback by his forwardness, this particular woman seemed touched. A few years later, they married. So I say wear your heart on your sleeve, if you can: you will likely get turned down a few times but when you come across the right person, it will be worth it.

Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.

Apologies to all the other brilliant Valentine’s e-greetings at someecards, but this is really the only one you should need to truly prove your love. [someecards]

You go out, you like each other, then you blow it by attempting to change your relationship status too soon. Our resident love doctor explains how soon is too soon, and what other freaky behavior might ruin your good thing.

One week is way too soon to add the “in a relationship with” phrase that is simultaneously coveted and feared by Facebook users everywhere. So is one month unless you’re already uber-committed in some love story kind of way. But that doesn’t mean you have to play it so cool that you look like you’re out on the Facebook prowl while spending your nights on date after date (or video chat after video chat).

If you find someone you can’t resist, why not remove your “single” status? Or remove the Interested in men/women/men&women listing so that it doesn’t appear to others that you’re interested and available. And definitely switch out “what you’re looking for” away from “random play” or “whatever you can get” to something like “friendship.” Just please don’t put “networking.” (Does anyone else think that’s kind of douchey? Or is only me?)

There are plenty of ways to use Facebook to signal that you’re done looking—at least for now—while you give the relationship a chance. Just do not change your profile picture to a lovey dovey photo of you two. At least not until you know the other person is on board, too. Otherwise it’s like the virtual equivalent of putting a framed photo of you two on your desk, even though you’ve only been out a few times. (This actually happened to me once, years ago, and I still haven’t recovered.)

If you’re absolutely itching to become an official Facebook couple, talk to your like/love/lust interest about it first. Thank goodness the “in a relationship with” tool requires the other person to approve you first, but there’s nothing to stop an over eager, OK creepy, person from uploading photos or writing elaborate notes about their dates. Heck, I even wound up recently with my profile photo on some dude’s calendar of birthdays, even though we have never met or talked! Not cool.

If it’s a relationship you hope will have any chance of working out, please tread carefully. Facebook is here to help not hurt, but it does take some pacing—and a little self-control.

Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

Groom changing relationship status screengrabbed from YouTube, via Mashable

Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.

Of all the xkcd comics, it’s the Valentine’s Day ones that are always my favorites. Even when they’re bittersweet like this one.

You can click on the image for a closer look.

I suppose the lesson is to forget romance once science comes into the picture. [xkcd]

Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.

Yes, Google will plan my wedding one day. Or at least I might use the wedding planning templates in Google Docs to organize things while wishing that Sergey Brin and Larry Page would personally plan my bachelorette party.

Right in time for the cheesiest of all romantic holidays, Google has partnered with Style Me Pretty to provide 20 different customizable wedding planning templates through Google Docs. There’s a template for nearly everything from writing vows to sorting out seating arrangements.

Not that I’m ungrateful to Google for assisting me in in becoming a ball-and-chain one day, but geez. Getting into the wedding business seems a bit too much. Even for the Big G. [Google Blog via TechCrunch]

Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.